Recently, I have a whim about the Vietnamese wedding. He he, don't get me wrong! It isn't because I'm gonna get married so I think about it. Well, maybe I will get married, but no sooner than the age of 27!
I find Vietnamese traditional wedding style is too formal and too complicated. In fact, it's like a nightmare! You don't believe me? Okay, just check it out yourself about the simplified description of Vietnamese traditional wedding here: [link].Remember, it is just the simplified description! Actually a real Vietnamese traditional wedding has more steps than that, depends on each family, and cannot be fully told.
In generally speaking, wedding is a very big big deal to Vietnamese. I don't say that wedding is not a big deal itself, of course wedding is something important to each person, but most of Vietnamese people take it more seriously than it should be. You know why? Because to Vietnamese, wedding is not only a business of two people, but also involves into many other exterior people and things. It is what I call formal and complicated. From the below is my personal plan of the future wedding. Warning: read twice and think thrice about what I am going to analyze before you criticize.
The gist of wedding's magnitude
Well, if you think wedding is simple in Vietnam, rethink! The gist many Vietnamese people still overestimating wedding as a great deal is that it is supposed to happen only once in life! From the cultural point of view, divorce is one of the taboos that most Vietnamese fear to face. Consequently, people naturally (mis)conceive about marriage as an one-time game and lifetime lasts! No game over. No change. No replay. No restart. Once married, confront it the entire life. Because of so, since marriage is supposed to happen once, then wedding is, too. And because the game is to be played just once, players always try their best to be as good as possible. People always find it justifiable to celebrate as glossy as they can. Or in fact, many people even celebrate it more glossy than they could be affordable. Is it crazy?
Don't get me wrong! I support the idea that wedding really should be done once. But in reality, not many people doing good with their partners---or worse, many people, after years living with the other one, gradually realize how mistaken they were to get married with him/her. Now what? Since the affection diluted by time, why people bother living with each other for more? The answer is simply because almost Vietnamese people fear to be lonely so they CAN"T divorce! No matter how bad the argument between spouses is, they still try to keep the business going even they really hate the other one. Why the hell is that? One phrase from the novel of Anson Chi, "Yellow on the outside, Shame on the inside, Asian Culture revealed", SAVING FACE!
To save face, people would rather being lonely together than being lonely completely. Many people find it's better if they keep living with that damn person no matter how bad he/she treats them. Once they still can let people/outsiders think as if their matrimony is good, there is nothing to worry about then. They fear that the outsiders can criticize them about the marriage's break up. In my opinion, divorce is such really a normal and natural thing in life. Who can affirm that this partner is my true soul-mate? Can you 100% sure about the person you've chosen is your Mr(s). Right? By any reasons, you have unfortunately hooked on the wrong one, but only after getting married with him/her could you unravel that. What would you do? Keep living as hell with that Mr(s). Wrong the entire life or to eliminate the marriage as quick as possible?
Believe me or not, the first choice is what a lot of Vietnamese people will be willing to compromise. Why? It's the cultural issue which has been being ingrained into Vietnamese people's mind, from generation to generation. Be afraid of losing face, to fear of living alone, they eventually make up their mind that it's OK to spend the life with an unloved person. It doesn't matter, just live on your own and don't care to him/her. It is what many people think, might I ask is it happiness? Additional, the children is what baffles people from breaking up the marriage, too. To sum up, marriage is quite the most binding ado that many Vietnamese people often get stuck in, in case it doesn't go well, and so hard for them to get out of.
But thanks God, I see there has prevailing life-style that a number of people---most of those are young---dare to get out of the used-to-be husbands or wives nowadays when they know they mismatch. Just see on the divorce rate raising at present and you will understand. It is what we should and need to do: Respect yourself and your life! Don't even ruin it by any reasons which lead your life to hell.
As I said, the gist of wedding's magnitude is because it's supposed to be held just once, but it's the misconception of people. We never can anticipate whether we will be OK with the partners or not, so take it easy! Let yourself have another chance when the previous one is bad! Don't even think of wedding as an one-time game anymore!
When wedding is not as simple as a groom marries his bride
Does it sound faddish? But in reality, it's true. In Vietnam, wedding is not just the affair of two people but the affairs of many others, too. Like who? Well, groom's parents, groom's parents' parents, the groom's friends, the groom's relatives and so on. It's the same with the bride. Why do they concern here?
Come to the spouses' parents, they play a main roles in the wedding. Who decides the date of the wedding? Them. Who decides who will be invited in the wedding? Them, partly join. Who celebrates the wedding? Them, partly join, again.
Vietnamese parents wish to control the wedding of their children no matter how the children think. They ween as if they have the rights to decide the date of the wedding as well as the rights to invite guests to the wedding without bothering noticing how their children think. As a consequence, in almost Vietnamese weddings, you will see myriads of people coming. The number of guests are uncountable! There is no difference between the rich and the poor when it comes to the wedding: always has uncountable people invited with loads of aliment and beverage served. I could be fussing but I must say half of the guests---or even second-third or more---are unbeknownst to the groom and bride. Why? Because most of the guests are parents' friends---or worse, grandparents' friends---so the couple have no clue about them, of course. For the rest of the guests, some of them are relatives of the family but many of them are far in pedigree so the couple apparently have no clue about them, either. In conclusion, in a wedding, the guests are almost who the couples don't know. Is it funny?
Moreover, the pure dignity of the wedding in Vietnam has been considered the wrong way for long. Wedding is not just a wedding. It's a mess. It's where people conspire to make money, just like a stock market! Wedding is considered to be lucrative. People always be aware that once they celebrate a wedding, it could be a huge loss of money so they try, by any means, to take something back. From who? You know what I mean, the guests! So yeah, now the guests turn out to be suckers! It is ridiculous but it is what a wedding truly is meant in Vietnam. I'm serious.
Preposterously, because people are not willing to invest such a huge amount of buck in such a wedding, they must try to let others give the bucks back. And thanks God it is Vietnamese custom that whenever you are invited to a wedding---and obsequies---you are expected to give money to the celebrators. They call it is as SEND LOVE. That money is considered LUCKY MONEY to the new spouses. And in a wedding---and obsequies---there is always an obligatory donation box for the guests to put money in. And amazing that people do this wittingly. Seemingly that no one dares not follow this custom. You know why? Because in the bridal night, the first thing that spouses do---not to do you-know-what---but to check the box and write down the names of the guests and the amounts of buck they give. For what? Well, to repay the same amount when another wedding of any guests to be held, and the spouses are invited. It's exactly like putting the money on the left pocket to the right pocket. I don't even understand why people think it will be beneficial while the money they received will be repaid later on. What a custom!
Furthermore, when a family makes a wedding, it's pride if they can make it luxurious. People avid for flaunt so they think wedding is a great chance for the show-off. The more luxurious the wedding is, the better reputation the family gets. Again, with the (mis)conception that wedding is held just once, they even wish to make it bigger and bigger. Opportunity for making money just comes once, why not snatching it? Because of so, the family always tries to invite as many guests as they can remember---even the ones they just meet once or twice in life---in order to have a big wedding, for showing off, and to get money.
As a consequence, Vietnamese wedding normally is very big in size, where gathers myriads of people with loads of aliment and beverage served. In fact, the money the guests brings cannot as much as the money the family invest, but no one cares about it. On the other hand, the reason why the family must invite many people is that once they invite the person A, they think they must invite the person B, too, since A knows B. And because B knows C and the family knows C, too, so C is warmly welcome! Now, D and C is mutual friends of the family, so they are impossible not to invite D! After all, that explains the way many people are invited. People will not feel good if not being invited. Vietnamese people always fear of breaking the relationships! So that, if you invite this one, you MUST invite that one, too. It's such a win-win. Or is it? It really doesn't matter because they feel good when seeing myriads of people surrounding at a wedding and it's all.
Wedding-caused adversities
I see Vietnamese traditional wedding style has many potential disadvantages.
Firstly, with the uncountable guests coming, the interaction between the guests and the groom and the bride is inevitable loose. There are only two protagonists in the party but they must go talk to myriads of people. How come they do that? Of course that will lead to the situation that someone would never be approached by the couples---or some of the guests appear to non-existent. That's just bad. Why they bother coming to the wedding without having a chance to say hi to the new spouses? What the hell they do there then? I answer, eating. Yeah, the guests try hard to eat as full as they are during the wedding rather than go talk to the spouses---because they have donated the money, so they must eat the stuffs served, in return. It's fair enough huh? Still, because many of the guests appears to unbeknownst to the spouses, so why they bother talking to each other? What an etiquette!
More seriously, you might follow the news and people are warning that more and more crimes stem from wedding. Stuffs like: people killed in wedding, scuffles happen in wedding, or even worse---groom or bride killed in weddings. Why? Simply because since the guests are coming from different places, and they don't know each other, thus, it's easy for them to have conflicts during the wedding---especially when they are drunk. Many people---most of those are male---consider wedding as an orgy! They come to the wedding, eat and drink like fishes and cannot control their behaviors, that leads to the negative deeds later on. In fact, I attended a few wedding and most of those look like a mess, or chaos. Think about it!
Secondly, I find the money each family needs to invest is quite much, and quite lavish. In fact, it is a waste of money! You may not know but many young Vietnamese people try to work hard for a few years just to accumulate money for celebrating a wedding! It means the investment is as high as a few years income of a normal employee. It's stupid I must say. If you spend all your savings in a wedding, so how could you survive after that? To restart the accumulation? C'mon, why the hell you must be that miserable?
Thirdly, since a wedding's meaning is transforming into another purpose, wedding---which is meant to be a symbol of happiness of human being---becomes formal and cliché. It's real that many guests feel like hell when being invited to a wedding because they know they are FORCED to donate the lucky money whereas they don't wish to do. But the guests still push themselves to come just because they, as I said, fear of breaking the relationships. Hence, the attitude of the guests toward a wedding is really faked, or perfunctory. Is it what people call happiness? Why the hell we must torture each other like that?
Last but not least, the pretentiousness of Vietnamese people expressed in the way they celebrate a wedding is plain superficial. If I have to spend the money, I prefer spending in more relevant purposes.
Facilitate Vietnamese wedding
With all the negativeness I pointed out above, I find it's urgent and necessary to re-design a new model of the Vietnamese wedding. The whim will be illustrated below.
Empower the groom and bride completely
Since the wedding belongs to a groom and a bride, they have right to celebrate it the way they wish. I know many young Vietnamese people don't want to have a huge wedding---because of their poverty---but they still are forced to make it big. They defer to their parents' wish. It's ridiculous and paradoxical! Why outsiders take advantage of their wedding without their unanimity? Seriously, let the protagonists do their own business! They need to choose themselves which day they wish to celebrate the wedding as well as who they are going to invite to the party. Neither their parents nor anyone else.
Wedding limited in range and size
A wedding limited in range and size means that it will limit the number of guests to be invited as well as the duration. I plan to have the exact number ranges from fifty to one hundred. These people are who really close to me. They must be someone I really need in my life. They should be my mates, my people who really wish to share the big day with me, without any reasons or purposes. Besides friends, I will leave some voids for my relatives to fill in---who I know very well, too. For my parents, they will have less seats for their friends---only ones I like are allowed.
For the duration of the wedding; in case you might not know I would like to reveal that it's normal for a Vietnamese wedding to last for a few days, or even a week---maybe longer. If the groom and the bride are not from the same city, so their parents wish to have wedding in each place---their own hometowns. Means they can have two or more weddings to be held separately in different places. Hell, it spends time very much and since I am kind of person who consider the value of time, I am not willing to spend that much time just for the same thing. Wedding should be held in the place in which the groom and the bride decide to live onward!
Pros and Cons
I know what you're thinking about. In case I let the idea come true, I must encounter many obstacles. I emphasize that I am aware of them! Let's analyze.
Once the groom and bride are empowered to decide everything in relation to their wedding, they will be independent to make it as they dream. For example the date of the wedding, I would love to choose it myself rather than asking my parents for help. When I say I choose the date myself, I mean it will be randomly any days I like, not the day which the prognosticator suggests. I do know that it's Vietnamese custom to ask the fortune-teller to analyze and to choose a lucky day for a wedding. Methinks, it's mere superstitious! I'm atheistic and I don't believe that there is a day luckier than another day in a year. Why people bother believing in such a prognosticator to decide the day they celebrate their weddings? Why the hell they can know which day is good, which day is bad? I don't believe in those baseless anticipation. Those prognosticators are just lairs, and too bad many Vietnamese people---especially someone who has high education---still be brainwashed about this. I don't aim to blame them, I just don't understand. Of course the problem belongs to culture, but I don't see anything believable in this custom. I'm serious!
When I say this to my mom, she says it's the psychical belief---means the idealistic thinking---so it has nothing to do with the bad or luck of the day, but everything to do with the precarious imagination of people. To me, it's just because many people are not decisive enough---or they are too choosy---to be able to choose themselves a certain day. That's why they must search for help from outsiders. Shame on them.
On the other hand, people obsess with the lucky day to be chosen because they believe if the date of the wedding is not good, then the spouses will have conflicts, sooner or later, and eventually their marriage might have bad endings. This idea appears to make sense. But how come a day affects a relationship? If the spouses don't live well together, it's their own false, not the date of the wedding. Vietnamese people would love to blame anything for their mistakes, even for their marriage. It is you who control your matrimony, not any others!
Still, when the couple are independent to choose the guests, the wedding will be guaranteed to be warm. I will just invite my real close friends and so will my bride---notice, I don't have many close friends. Quite a few, in deed! But because people surrounding me are all I love, so I can have big fun with them. They are few, so I'm able to take care of a single person as they deserve. With the limited number of guests, the interaction between the family and them are quite intimate, and no one is left behind, or to be forgotten. The ambiance of the wedding could be truly cosy, and I with my lady would converse snugly altogether with beloved people of ours. Isn't it great?
In accordance with the limited invitation, it will solve the big deal, aka money, as well. Since the scale of the wedding is narrow, it costs just a little, and I could be affordable. At least, the spending for a wedding should not cost me as a few years total income. Don't get me wrong! You might think of me as such a miserly asshole when I consider the money too much. Sorry mates, you are wrong. In fact, I am cognizant of wedding as a milestone in life and I really appreciate it. It would be good if I can have a big day well-arranged with many beloved people around to share my highest happiness. It always is what I dream to do. But it doesn't mean I will lavish extravagantly on it! The wedding could be small in size, but the quality will be still ensured. It will be good in the inside, not the outside. Since I'm a future businessman, I always appreciate the value of money. If it is spent, it should be spent in the right place and for the right person! I am thinking of an alfresco buffet and activities for the guests in stead of indoor meals as the traditional way. My beloved people---again, quite a few---will surely have a memorable time with the best services.
Talking about the financial matter, since the wedding is within my affordability, so that the guests are sincerely welcome WITHOUT being expected to donate the money! Now, who thinks of me as a miserly asshole? To think objectively, even it is because of the culture but I still don't understand why people must donate the money? Wedding is the own affair of a groom and a bride, so once they celebrate it, they SHOULD defray all the expenses themselves. What if they don't have a strong financial potentiality? Easy, just make it small enough to be affordable. Just like me!
When the guests are expected not to donate the lucky money, I suppose all of them will feel really good! So that, since money is not a big deal any more, the guests could come to the party with the highest attitude. I really don't want anyone to come to my wedding with the anxiety of the money to be donated that makes them hesitate so that it would be better to forget about it. Take it easy! Just come to me, mates, it is your visiting that I am grateful, not your money. Isn't it a real win-win for everyone? I have a cut on the finance needs to invest, and the guests don't bother about how much should they donate. After all, such an ideal wedding!
FAQs
Q: Why you have the idea of your wedding?
A: The roots come from my personality. I wanna be responsible for my things and I want to do my own things rather than let outsiders do for me. I want to be able to decide the life I'm living. And I conceive that if you cannot be able to decide for your own things, e.g. wedding, then you I am never independent.
Q: I see your idea interesting, but what if your future wife doesn't want to do that? She is kinda classical.
A: Well, you are right. My not-known-yet wife is a very big deal. If she refuses my plan, I will convince her about all the pros and cons of it. I don't see my plan unpractical. In fact, it is really feasible. If she cannot understand, why I bother marring her? Ha ha, I am just kidding, but it is all what I expect from my future wife: be civilized enough to fathom me, her husband.
Behind the scenes: yesterday, after writing this entry, I confided my idea in my current girlfriend. Surprisingly, she intensively asked me, "are you distracted? Wedding celebration is not your rights. It's parents' decision". I convinced her for a while but was unsuccessful. She insisted that to celebrate wedding is what parents must do, and I would have less power on it. Hell, you see, even my close person thinks like that. As I said, it is the cultural issue which has been being ingrained into Vietnamese people's mind, from generation to generation. People really need to civilize their minds!
Q: What if your wife wants to follow the plan, but she cannot because her parents find it crazy?
A: Well, the person I marry is my wife, not her parents, or her relatives or friends. In fact, I don't really care what others think of my plan, except my wife. So that, to me, the outsiders are not allowed to have any decision. And in reality, I am right. No one can have decision for my life, except me! If her parents intensively refuses me, then I quit. Let them continue raising their child, ha ha.
Q: How about your parents?
A: My parents are open-minded and sympathetic enough to understand what I am yearning for. Actually I did tell my beloved mom about the plan and she partly agrees. She has joint enough weddings to know how bad the situation could be, and how tired the people are.
Q: Even your parents and your wife's parents are OK with that, but they fear of losing face with their relatives and friends in case they cannot invite so much people to the wedding? The same to your friends, what would they think of you?
A: To the relatives of the oldies, I don't think it would be a big deal. Vietnamese people should learn that a personal business needs to be appreciated. And wedding is a wedding, not a showcase, or a mess. And again, since the parents don't play the main role in my wedding---I and my lady do---their relatives and friends don't concern here, either. If the oldies want to have a chance to meet each other, they can hold a party themselves anytime.
Still, since the parents' relatives and friends are almost who I don't even know, why I bother considering them? We won't meet those people many times, so that it's meaningless to care about them. It's my right to invite who I want. In case the uninviteds feel not good about that and have negative attitudes toward our parents, then I kick their asses.
For the friends of mine, I think I have myriads of them, but I won't invite all. In fact, I CANNOT I will choose just the most important ones. You will say it isn't good if I distinguish friends but I cannot help but to do it. It is real that I have some certain friends who are closer than others. Some of the one I call friend simply mean I know a little, such loosing relationship. And in my big day, there is no place for such loosing relationships! If they are mature, they should understand this. On the other hand, when a person who knows me, but is uninvited, I would love to have them know that he/she and I have are not close enough to be with me. If someone feel disappointed or angry to me for that, I am sorry but there is nothing I can do. If I lose any relationships for this, I think it deserves. In fact, I don't need ones who don't understand me.
On the other hand, ones invited to my wedding really should know that they are my true beloved! It is all I can do to express my affection for them.
All of the above to say that I never fear of losing face! Phrase from Anson Chi again, "People don't define who you are, you define who you are". I live my own life and be responsible for it, and once I don't do anything wrong, I never regret.
Q: Do you think you are an egoist?
A: No! Or at least I'm an egoist to an extend, but I'm still a kind-hearted human. If being yourself is a sign of egoism, so I wonder how many people are hypocrites out there?
Q: Do you think you are destroying the traditional custom?
A: Well, you don't need to fuss like that, do you? I don't kill the custom at all. I just facilitate, or simplify, it. You can say I'm kind of rebellious, but once I still retain the custom, I feel nothing to worry about.
In fact, if you might not know I would love to announce that Vietnamese government has already encouraged the people to facilitate the wedding style. No wonder why they do that, it must have a reason. Think about it!
Tuesday, 28th July 2009
02:59 Kauhava
06:59 Hanoi
I find Vietnamese traditional wedding style is too formal and too complicated. In fact, it's like a nightmare! You don't believe me? Okay, just check it out yourself about the simplified description of Vietnamese traditional wedding here: [link].Remember, it is just the simplified description! Actually a real Vietnamese traditional wedding has more steps than that, depends on each family, and cannot be fully told.
In generally speaking, wedding is a very big big deal to Vietnamese. I don't say that wedding is not a big deal itself, of course wedding is something important to each person, but most of Vietnamese people take it more seriously than it should be. You know why? Because to Vietnamese, wedding is not only a business of two people, but also involves into many other exterior people and things. It is what I call formal and complicated. From the below is my personal plan of the future wedding. Warning: read twice and think thrice about what I am going to analyze before you criticize.
The gist of wedding's magnitude
Well, if you think wedding is simple in Vietnam, rethink! The gist many Vietnamese people still overestimating wedding as a great deal is that it is supposed to happen only once in life! From the cultural point of view, divorce is one of the taboos that most Vietnamese fear to face. Consequently, people naturally (mis)conceive about marriage as an one-time game and lifetime lasts! No game over. No change. No replay. No restart. Once married, confront it the entire life. Because of so, since marriage is supposed to happen once, then wedding is, too. And because the game is to be played just once, players always try their best to be as good as possible. People always find it justifiable to celebrate as glossy as they can. Or in fact, many people even celebrate it more glossy than they could be affordable. Is it crazy?
Don't get me wrong! I support the idea that wedding really should be done once. But in reality, not many people doing good with their partners---or worse, many people, after years living with the other one, gradually realize how mistaken they were to get married with him/her. Now what? Since the affection diluted by time, why people bother living with each other for more? The answer is simply because almost Vietnamese people fear to be lonely so they CAN"T divorce! No matter how bad the argument between spouses is, they still try to keep the business going even they really hate the other one. Why the hell is that? One phrase from the novel of Anson Chi, "Yellow on the outside, Shame on the inside, Asian Culture revealed", SAVING FACE!
To save face, people would rather being lonely together than being lonely completely. Many people find it's better if they keep living with that damn person no matter how bad he/she treats them. Once they still can let people/outsiders think as if their matrimony is good, there is nothing to worry about then. They fear that the outsiders can criticize them about the marriage's break up. In my opinion, divorce is such really a normal and natural thing in life. Who can affirm that this partner is my true soul-mate? Can you 100% sure about the person you've chosen is your Mr(s). Right? By any reasons, you have unfortunately hooked on the wrong one, but only after getting married with him/her could you unravel that. What would you do? Keep living as hell with that Mr(s). Wrong the entire life or to eliminate the marriage as quick as possible?
Believe me or not, the first choice is what a lot of Vietnamese people will be willing to compromise. Why? It's the cultural issue which has been being ingrained into Vietnamese people's mind, from generation to generation. Be afraid of losing face, to fear of living alone, they eventually make up their mind that it's OK to spend the life with an unloved person. It doesn't matter, just live on your own and don't care to him/her. It is what many people think, might I ask is it happiness? Additional, the children is what baffles people from breaking up the marriage, too. To sum up, marriage is quite the most binding ado that many Vietnamese people often get stuck in, in case it doesn't go well, and so hard for them to get out of.
But thanks God, I see there has prevailing life-style that a number of people---most of those are young---dare to get out of the used-to-be husbands or wives nowadays when they know they mismatch. Just see on the divorce rate raising at present and you will understand. It is what we should and need to do: Respect yourself and your life! Don't even ruin it by any reasons which lead your life to hell.
As I said, the gist of wedding's magnitude is because it's supposed to be held just once, but it's the misconception of people. We never can anticipate whether we will be OK with the partners or not, so take it easy! Let yourself have another chance when the previous one is bad! Don't even think of wedding as an one-time game anymore!
When wedding is not as simple as a groom marries his bride
Does it sound faddish? But in reality, it's true. In Vietnam, wedding is not just the affair of two people but the affairs of many others, too. Like who? Well, groom's parents, groom's parents' parents, the groom's friends, the groom's relatives and so on. It's the same with the bride. Why do they concern here?
Come to the spouses' parents, they play a main roles in the wedding. Who decides the date of the wedding? Them. Who decides who will be invited in the wedding? Them, partly join. Who celebrates the wedding? Them, partly join, again.
Vietnamese parents wish to control the wedding of their children no matter how the children think. They ween as if they have the rights to decide the date of the wedding as well as the rights to invite guests to the wedding without bothering noticing how their children think. As a consequence, in almost Vietnamese weddings, you will see myriads of people coming. The number of guests are uncountable! There is no difference between the rich and the poor when it comes to the wedding: always has uncountable people invited with loads of aliment and beverage served. I could be fussing but I must say half of the guests---or even second-third or more---are unbeknownst to the groom and bride. Why? Because most of the guests are parents' friends---or worse, grandparents' friends---so the couple have no clue about them, of course. For the rest of the guests, some of them are relatives of the family but many of them are far in pedigree so the couple apparently have no clue about them, either. In conclusion, in a wedding, the guests are almost who the couples don't know. Is it funny?
Moreover, the pure dignity of the wedding in Vietnam has been considered the wrong way for long. Wedding is not just a wedding. It's a mess. It's where people conspire to make money, just like a stock market! Wedding is considered to be lucrative. People always be aware that once they celebrate a wedding, it could be a huge loss of money so they try, by any means, to take something back. From who? You know what I mean, the guests! So yeah, now the guests turn out to be suckers! It is ridiculous but it is what a wedding truly is meant in Vietnam. I'm serious.
Preposterously, because people are not willing to invest such a huge amount of buck in such a wedding, they must try to let others give the bucks back. And thanks God it is Vietnamese custom that whenever you are invited to a wedding---and obsequies---you are expected to give money to the celebrators. They call it is as SEND LOVE. That money is considered LUCKY MONEY to the new spouses. And in a wedding---and obsequies---there is always an obligatory donation box for the guests to put money in. And amazing that people do this wittingly. Seemingly that no one dares not follow this custom. You know why? Because in the bridal night, the first thing that spouses do---not to do you-know-what---but to check the box and write down the names of the guests and the amounts of buck they give. For what? Well, to repay the same amount when another wedding of any guests to be held, and the spouses are invited. It's exactly like putting the money on the left pocket to the right pocket. I don't even understand why people think it will be beneficial while the money they received will be repaid later on. What a custom!
Furthermore, when a family makes a wedding, it's pride if they can make it luxurious. People avid for flaunt so they think wedding is a great chance for the show-off. The more luxurious the wedding is, the better reputation the family gets. Again, with the (mis)conception that wedding is held just once, they even wish to make it bigger and bigger. Opportunity for making money just comes once, why not snatching it? Because of so, the family always tries to invite as many guests as they can remember---even the ones they just meet once or twice in life---in order to have a big wedding, for showing off, and to get money.
As a consequence, Vietnamese wedding normally is very big in size, where gathers myriads of people with loads of aliment and beverage served. In fact, the money the guests brings cannot as much as the money the family invest, but no one cares about it. On the other hand, the reason why the family must invite many people is that once they invite the person A, they think they must invite the person B, too, since A knows B. And because B knows C and the family knows C, too, so C is warmly welcome! Now, D and C is mutual friends of the family, so they are impossible not to invite D! After all, that explains the way many people are invited. People will not feel good if not being invited. Vietnamese people always fear of breaking the relationships! So that, if you invite this one, you MUST invite that one, too. It's such a win-win. Or is it? It really doesn't matter because they feel good when seeing myriads of people surrounding at a wedding and it's all.
Wedding-caused adversities
I see Vietnamese traditional wedding style has many potential disadvantages.
Firstly, with the uncountable guests coming, the interaction between the guests and the groom and the bride is inevitable loose. There are only two protagonists in the party but they must go talk to myriads of people. How come they do that? Of course that will lead to the situation that someone would never be approached by the couples---or some of the guests appear to non-existent. That's just bad. Why they bother coming to the wedding without having a chance to say hi to the new spouses? What the hell they do there then? I answer, eating. Yeah, the guests try hard to eat as full as they are during the wedding rather than go talk to the spouses---because they have donated the money, so they must eat the stuffs served, in return. It's fair enough huh? Still, because many of the guests appears to unbeknownst to the spouses, so why they bother talking to each other? What an etiquette!
More seriously, you might follow the news and people are warning that more and more crimes stem from wedding. Stuffs like: people killed in wedding, scuffles happen in wedding, or even worse---groom or bride killed in weddings. Why? Simply because since the guests are coming from different places, and they don't know each other, thus, it's easy for them to have conflicts during the wedding---especially when they are drunk. Many people---most of those are male---consider wedding as an orgy! They come to the wedding, eat and drink like fishes and cannot control their behaviors, that leads to the negative deeds later on. In fact, I attended a few wedding and most of those look like a mess, or chaos. Think about it!
Secondly, I find the money each family needs to invest is quite much, and quite lavish. In fact, it is a waste of money! You may not know but many young Vietnamese people try to work hard for a few years just to accumulate money for celebrating a wedding! It means the investment is as high as a few years income of a normal employee. It's stupid I must say. If you spend all your savings in a wedding, so how could you survive after that? To restart the accumulation? C'mon, why the hell you must be that miserable?
Thirdly, since a wedding's meaning is transforming into another purpose, wedding---which is meant to be a symbol of happiness of human being---becomes formal and cliché. It's real that many guests feel like hell when being invited to a wedding because they know they are FORCED to donate the lucky money whereas they don't wish to do. But the guests still push themselves to come just because they, as I said, fear of breaking the relationships. Hence, the attitude of the guests toward a wedding is really faked, or perfunctory. Is it what people call happiness? Why the hell we must torture each other like that?
Last but not least, the pretentiousness of Vietnamese people expressed in the way they celebrate a wedding is plain superficial. If I have to spend the money, I prefer spending in more relevant purposes.
Facilitate Vietnamese wedding
With all the negativeness I pointed out above, I find it's urgent and necessary to re-design a new model of the Vietnamese wedding. The whim will be illustrated below.
Empower the groom and bride completely
Since the wedding belongs to a groom and a bride, they have right to celebrate it the way they wish. I know many young Vietnamese people don't want to have a huge wedding---because of their poverty---but they still are forced to make it big. They defer to their parents' wish. It's ridiculous and paradoxical! Why outsiders take advantage of their wedding without their unanimity? Seriously, let the protagonists do their own business! They need to choose themselves which day they wish to celebrate the wedding as well as who they are going to invite to the party. Neither their parents nor anyone else.
Wedding limited in range and size
A wedding limited in range and size means that it will limit the number of guests to be invited as well as the duration. I plan to have the exact number ranges from fifty to one hundred. These people are who really close to me. They must be someone I really need in my life. They should be my mates, my people who really wish to share the big day with me, without any reasons or purposes. Besides friends, I will leave some voids for my relatives to fill in---who I know very well, too. For my parents, they will have less seats for their friends---only ones I like are allowed.
For the duration of the wedding; in case you might not know I would like to reveal that it's normal for a Vietnamese wedding to last for a few days, or even a week---maybe longer. If the groom and the bride are not from the same city, so their parents wish to have wedding in each place---their own hometowns. Means they can have two or more weddings to be held separately in different places. Hell, it spends time very much and since I am kind of person who consider the value of time, I am not willing to spend that much time just for the same thing. Wedding should be held in the place in which the groom and the bride decide to live onward!
Pros and Cons
I know what you're thinking about. In case I let the idea come true, I must encounter many obstacles. I emphasize that I am aware of them! Let's analyze.
Once the groom and bride are empowered to decide everything in relation to their wedding, they will be independent to make it as they dream. For example the date of the wedding, I would love to choose it myself rather than asking my parents for help. When I say I choose the date myself, I mean it will be randomly any days I like, not the day which the prognosticator suggests. I do know that it's Vietnamese custom to ask the fortune-teller to analyze and to choose a lucky day for a wedding. Methinks, it's mere superstitious! I'm atheistic and I don't believe that there is a day luckier than another day in a year. Why people bother believing in such a prognosticator to decide the day they celebrate their weddings? Why the hell they can know which day is good, which day is bad? I don't believe in those baseless anticipation. Those prognosticators are just lairs, and too bad many Vietnamese people---especially someone who has high education---still be brainwashed about this. I don't aim to blame them, I just don't understand. Of course the problem belongs to culture, but I don't see anything believable in this custom. I'm serious!
When I say this to my mom, she says it's the psychical belief---means the idealistic thinking---so it has nothing to do with the bad or luck of the day, but everything to do with the precarious imagination of people. To me, it's just because many people are not decisive enough---or they are too choosy---to be able to choose themselves a certain day. That's why they must search for help from outsiders. Shame on them.
On the other hand, people obsess with the lucky day to be chosen because they believe if the date of the wedding is not good, then the spouses will have conflicts, sooner or later, and eventually their marriage might have bad endings. This idea appears to make sense. But how come a day affects a relationship? If the spouses don't live well together, it's their own false, not the date of the wedding. Vietnamese people would love to blame anything for their mistakes, even for their marriage. It is you who control your matrimony, not any others!
Still, when the couple are independent to choose the guests, the wedding will be guaranteed to be warm. I will just invite my real close friends and so will my bride---notice, I don't have many close friends. Quite a few, in deed! But because people surrounding me are all I love, so I can have big fun with them. They are few, so I'm able to take care of a single person as they deserve. With the limited number of guests, the interaction between the family and them are quite intimate, and no one is left behind, or to be forgotten. The ambiance of the wedding could be truly cosy, and I with my lady would converse snugly altogether with beloved people of ours. Isn't it great?
In accordance with the limited invitation, it will solve the big deal, aka money, as well. Since the scale of the wedding is narrow, it costs just a little, and I could be affordable. At least, the spending for a wedding should not cost me as a few years total income. Don't get me wrong! You might think of me as such a miserly asshole when I consider the money too much. Sorry mates, you are wrong. In fact, I am cognizant of wedding as a milestone in life and I really appreciate it. It would be good if I can have a big day well-arranged with many beloved people around to share my highest happiness. It always is what I dream to do. But it doesn't mean I will lavish extravagantly on it! The wedding could be small in size, but the quality will be still ensured. It will be good in the inside, not the outside. Since I'm a future businessman, I always appreciate the value of money. If it is spent, it should be spent in the right place and for the right person! I am thinking of an alfresco buffet and activities for the guests in stead of indoor meals as the traditional way. My beloved people---again, quite a few---will surely have a memorable time with the best services.
Talking about the financial matter, since the wedding is within my affordability, so that the guests are sincerely welcome WITHOUT being expected to donate the money! Now, who thinks of me as a miserly asshole? To think objectively, even it is because of the culture but I still don't understand why people must donate the money? Wedding is the own affair of a groom and a bride, so once they celebrate it, they SHOULD defray all the expenses themselves. What if they don't have a strong financial potentiality? Easy, just make it small enough to be affordable. Just like me!
When the guests are expected not to donate the lucky money, I suppose all of them will feel really good! So that, since money is not a big deal any more, the guests could come to the party with the highest attitude. I really don't want anyone to come to my wedding with the anxiety of the money to be donated that makes them hesitate so that it would be better to forget about it. Take it easy! Just come to me, mates, it is your visiting that I am grateful, not your money. Isn't it a real win-win for everyone? I have a cut on the finance needs to invest, and the guests don't bother about how much should they donate. After all, such an ideal wedding!
FAQs
Q: Why you have the idea of your wedding?
A: The roots come from my personality. I wanna be responsible for my things and I want to do my own things rather than let outsiders do for me. I want to be able to decide the life I'm living. And I conceive that if you cannot be able to decide for your own things, e.g. wedding, then you I am never independent.
Q: I see your idea interesting, but what if your future wife doesn't want to do that? She is kinda classical.
A: Well, you are right. My not-known-yet wife is a very big deal. If she refuses my plan, I will convince her about all the pros and cons of it. I don't see my plan unpractical. In fact, it is really feasible. If she cannot understand, why I bother marring her? Ha ha, I am just kidding, but it is all what I expect from my future wife: be civilized enough to fathom me, her husband.
Behind the scenes: yesterday, after writing this entry, I confided my idea in my current girlfriend. Surprisingly, she intensively asked me, "are you distracted? Wedding celebration is not your rights. It's parents' decision". I convinced her for a while but was unsuccessful. She insisted that to celebrate wedding is what parents must do, and I would have less power on it. Hell, you see, even my close person thinks like that. As I said, it is the cultural issue which has been being ingrained into Vietnamese people's mind, from generation to generation. People really need to civilize their minds!
Q: What if your wife wants to follow the plan, but she cannot because her parents find it crazy?
A: Well, the person I marry is my wife, not her parents, or her relatives or friends. In fact, I don't really care what others think of my plan, except my wife. So that, to me, the outsiders are not allowed to have any decision. And in reality, I am right. No one can have decision for my life, except me! If her parents intensively refuses me, then I quit. Let them continue raising their child, ha ha.
Q: How about your parents?
A: My parents are open-minded and sympathetic enough to understand what I am yearning for. Actually I did tell my beloved mom about the plan and she partly agrees. She has joint enough weddings to know how bad the situation could be, and how tired the people are.
Q: Even your parents and your wife's parents are OK with that, but they fear of losing face with their relatives and friends in case they cannot invite so much people to the wedding? The same to your friends, what would they think of you?
A: To the relatives of the oldies, I don't think it would be a big deal. Vietnamese people should learn that a personal business needs to be appreciated. And wedding is a wedding, not a showcase, or a mess. And again, since the parents don't play the main role in my wedding---I and my lady do---their relatives and friends don't concern here, either. If the oldies want to have a chance to meet each other, they can hold a party themselves anytime.
Still, since the parents' relatives and friends are almost who I don't even know, why I bother considering them? We won't meet those people many times, so that it's meaningless to care about them. It's my right to invite who I want. In case the uninviteds feel not good about that and have negative attitudes toward our parents, then I kick their asses.
For the friends of mine, I think I have myriads of them, but I won't invite all. In fact, I CANNOT I will choose just the most important ones. You will say it isn't good if I distinguish friends but I cannot help but to do it. It is real that I have some certain friends who are closer than others. Some of the one I call friend simply mean I know a little, such loosing relationship. And in my big day, there is no place for such loosing relationships! If they are mature, they should understand this. On the other hand, when a person who knows me, but is uninvited, I would love to have them know that he/she and I have are not close enough to be with me. If someone feel disappointed or angry to me for that, I am sorry but there is nothing I can do. If I lose any relationships for this, I think it deserves. In fact, I don't need ones who don't understand me.
On the other hand, ones invited to my wedding really should know that they are my true beloved! It is all I can do to express my affection for them.
All of the above to say that I never fear of losing face! Phrase from Anson Chi again, "People don't define who you are, you define who you are". I live my own life and be responsible for it, and once I don't do anything wrong, I never regret.
Q: Do you think you are an egoist?
A: No! Or at least I'm an egoist to an extend, but I'm still a kind-hearted human. If being yourself is a sign of egoism, so I wonder how many people are hypocrites out there?
Q: Do you think you are destroying the traditional custom?
A: Well, you don't need to fuss like that, do you? I don't kill the custom at all. I just facilitate, or simplify, it. You can say I'm kind of rebellious, but once I still retain the custom, I feel nothing to worry about.
In fact, if you might not know I would love to announce that Vietnamese government has already encouraged the people to facilitate the wedding style. No wonder why they do that, it must have a reason. Think about it!
Tuesday, 28th July 2009
02:59 Kauhava
06:59 Hanoi
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